I Got Out of Dodge for 5 Minutes
And mostly, I just wanted to watch Bravo.
The weekend before last my husband and I went on our first trip together without our toddler and I was surprised by how easy it was to leave. I’m not sure what I thought was going to happen, that the car was going to pull out of the driveway and I’d spontaneously combust or something. But, shockingly, I was fine. I was actually more than fine. Driving away I felt how I used to feel when I was leaving on vacation pre-baby: I was excited by the fact that for two nights, I had zero responsibility. Finally, I could relax, let my hair down, if you will. Plus, I could not believe that I was going on a trip with only a small carry-on again.
The trip was for a wedding and, honestly, I don’t know if I would have planned a just-the-two-of-us getaway if we didn’t have that excuse. But, a great excuse it was. Two nights was short enough to avoid any big pangs of separation and we were close enough to home in The Bay Area that we could get back to LA in an hour by plane if we needed to. Not to mention that Louis was staying with my mom, his best friend who he adores, so I didn’t have to worry about anything on that front.
There was no breaking-down of the stroller at the airport gate, no pulling apart the diaper bag to find the crushed snacks at the bottom, no mid-flight meltdowns. Instead, I read All Fours for an entire, uninterrupted hour, and it was then that I remembered how being on a plane without WiFi used to help me think. I stared into space, I daydreamed, I thought about this Substack. It was fucking great.
Usually, my free time is so limited that I have to be incredibly intentional about how I use it. But, on child-free vacation? All bets were off. Which meant our first stop after landing in Oakland was God damn Chez Panisse Cafe where I got drunk off white wine at 2 pm with another couple going to the wedding who had also left their baby for the first time. We even had a leisurely dessert and it was glorious. The next day, I got a head, neck and foot massage at the same time as my husband. The masseuse poured what felt like a whole bottle of oil in my hair and I didn’t even care that much because I knew I could take a long shower right after. I had sex…twice! One time in the middle of the day! With no nap schedule to mind, no early morning or middle of the night wake-ups, no one to relieve at home, it was relatively easy for my husband and I to slip back into being the couple we were before Louis. Mostly, though, I just wanted to get into bed early and watch Bravo. I didn’t end up doing that because, again, we were there for a wedding, which was beautiful and lovely and filled my social quota for at least two weeks - but I was a bed n’Bravo gal before baby and I’m still a bed n’Bravo gal now.
Of course, even when our kids aren’t there, they’re always there. After our massages on the first full day away, my husband and I went to hang out in the spa pool where a group of off-duty moms were also hanging out (“We’re surrounded” I told my husband). My son is obsessed with the Little Blue Truck books and, I didn’t hear this, but my husband told me one of the moms was talking about them. For a minute I contemplated butting in, telling them, “I’m a mom, too! My son also loves Little Blue Truck!” It’s the same urge I sometimes get when I’m not with Louis and I see someone with a baby, toddler, kid in the grocery store or wherever. I want to connect with them, strike up a conversation, whip out my wallet and show them our back to school photos, if I carried photos of Louis in my wallet and, you know, if he were in school.
I wasn’t gone long enough to feel sad, this was a short trip by design, but, there were moments when I felt like something was missing. I’d get this itchy feeling in my brain, similar to when I’m trying to remember a familiar thing and it’s not coming to me. I think I’ll have this for the rest of my life. No matter where I am in the world, even if I were with Brad Pitt, after a few days away I’ll think, “God, Louis would love this,” “If only Louis could see that.” I read something recently, I think on Instagram so who knows if it’s true or not, that said we continue carrying fetal cells for years after our children are born. I hope it’s true, because I like thinking that I might be holding onto a part of my son even if we are miles and miles apart, even when I initiate the miles apart, part.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, it’s ok to enjoy getting away. It’s also ok to miss your kids - these feelings can and will exist on the same plane. It’s a narrative told by our parents' generation that we can’t ever leave or that we shouldn’t want to, tied up in the thinking that the mother belongs in the home etc., etc. But, sometimes you just have to get out of dodge. Even for two days, to come back to yourself or some semblance of the self that you used to know, to remind yourself that there actually is a self outside of ‘mother.’ I’d urge you to get curious about her, I bet she’s fun! I actually think that Louis has made me a brighter, funnier, smarter, more confident person…but that’s a story for another day.
I never know how to close these things without sounding preach-y and God knows I have no idea what’s going on. But, the moral of the story is, if you want to invite me on a child-free vacation, I’ll probably say yes! That is, if I don’t say no, first ;)
That’s all for now!
C
This made me so emotional! Beautiful!
Oh my god, we need to talk about All Fours.