Sleepy, leepy, beep beep
Otherwise known as, 15 Things You Should Know About Baby Sleep 🐲
Hello!
Tuesday was my birthday and today I’m going to Paris with my husband for 5 days child-free (well, 3 full days, it’s really more like a long weekend, but who cares!) I can’t believe we’re pulling it off. This will be the longest I’ve been away from Louis since he was born and while I’m excited, I’m also nervous. The nervousness isn’t outweighing the excitement, though, which I think is a good sign. Right now I can’t stop thinking about how I’m going to be alone on a plane for eleven hours and which movies I’m going to watch.
In light of these events, today we have a very serious list on some things you should know about baby sleep (or lack-there-of) because my baby’s sleep ruled my life for a year and I think a lot about what a messed up twist it is that the thing we need most to function and to be the kind of person someone might want to share an Uber with is the first to go when you have kids. Mother nature sure has a twisted sense of humor, but hey, I get it, she’s a mom!
Before we get to that though, I want to mention that I’ve turned on paid subscriptions! For $5 a month, you will get access to all of my weekly essays (the more personal ones are going to have a paywall, now), full archive and interviews. I LOVE writing this newsletter, but it is time-consuming, especially the interviews, so if it’s something you look forward to receiving in your inbox each week, please consider going paid. However, if you choose to keep it free, I still love you!
Now, back to the show! 15 Things You Should Know About Baby Sleep are below. (Please forgive this rhyme).
One night when your child is around a year, you will be holding them in total darkness at 2 AM. They woke up because they’re learning to talk. After some time you will think that they’ve finally gone back to sleep, but then a tiny voice will emerge from the abyss saying, “Hi,” and it will scare you so badly that you will question whether or not you’ve died and if that voice belongs to a ghost.
You will regret putting so much stock in the sleep course you bought when your kid was a newborn and you were desperate because it told you to bounce your baby while holding them like a football and you did that and it’s embarrassing. You’re so much more confident as a parent now! I mean, who was that person relying on strangers from the internet for sleep advice?!*
*You’ll buy another sleep course when your child is a year and a half for $90. It literally tells you to do exactly what you’ve already been doing. Even though it reinforces number 2, you still feel like it’s kinda/maybe money well-spent.
Sometimes your toddler will tuck in their toy cars and say “good night” to each one with a gentle pat and it will be so cute you can actually feel your heart trying to escape your body through your throat.
When everyone in your house has been sleeping through the night for awhile and life is great, you will run into a mom you know from the birthday party circuit at a play place. You will say, “How are you?” and she will give you a look, a look that you know well. “He isn’t sleeping” she’ll say and you will remember that mere months ago, when your child thought 1-3 AM was party-time, you made a book featuring stick figures sleeping because you were wrecked. This will send a shiver down your spine and remind you to have gratitude for every damn day you get a straight seven hours because no one is safe.
Your child might fall asleep quietly standing up in their crib. If this happens to you, just know that it has never happened to me and I have no idea what to do about it.
You will be afraid to write about your child’s sleep for fear of jinxing the good sleep juju you’ve had going, but then your kid will skip their nap twice in one week and suddenly you’re Chelsea from The White Lotus saying, “Amor fucking fati, bitches!”
You will think often about all the time you could have saved and how many more snuggles you could have gleaned if you had just fed your baby to sleep when you wanted to instead of wreaking havoc trying to do the whole “drowsy but awake” thing. Just saying!
There will come a time when your toddler decides bedtime is for losers and they’ll stand up in their crib to demand that you, “Change diaper! Poop in dere!” despite the fact that you just put on a clean one, they hate having their diaper changed, and you know in your bones that there is no poop. There. Is. No. Poop.
Despite your tiredness bordering on delirium at times, you will never forget the sweetness of feeding your baby at 2 AM when you would look out the window at the stillness below and think that you must be the only two people in the entire world.
Spending so much time with a baby during witching hour will confirm that you have a fairly significant fear of the dark despite the fact that you are not ten. You will realize that you are stupid for entertaining the thought that you could see Nosferatu even though you’ve been having spooky visions just from the previews and this essay will do you in for many months.
You might *hypothetically* develop a moth problem in your house and will only realize how bad it is when you notice that they’ve started to eat holes in your kid’s blackout curtains that aren’t even made of wool or silk. (This has nothing to do with sleep, this is a cry for help. HELP!)
Sometime during your second year as a parent, you will be amazed at how much of your life was once dedicated to your baby’s sleep patterns. How much time you spent logging wake windows and bedtime sleep and worrying that if your child didn’t nap at exactly 1:23 p.m. for one hour their brain would shrink three sizes. You will rejoice that these are things of the past. You made it. HALLELUJAH!
As you're putting your toddler’s pajamas on, they might reach out to touch your face. You oblige and lean into their palm. They will then narrate touching each feature by saying, “Mama mouth, mama eyes, mama nose,” like they’re trying to memorize your face. Your eyes well up and while part of you wonders if this is happening because you’re going to die soon in some tragic accident, you will look back on this moment and think that no matter how much sleep you’ve lost, this love, this softness, this fuzzy, borderless warmth is everything.**
**But you also know that the reason you’re able to enjoy all this as much as you are, is because you’ve been sleeping :)
That’s all for now! Next week’s letter might be a little late because, PARIS, but I hope you’re having a beautiful week. (And getting some sleep while you’re at it!)
C
My little guy is almost four but his sleep patterns still rule my life:))
Hard relate on so, so much of this xx