Which TV Mom Are You? Mother's Day Edition
You guys, I made a quiz.
I don’t know if it’s the fact that I just supercharged through four seasons of Felicity in two months and have an early aughts nostalgia hangover or what, but in honor of Mother’s Day, I made us a quiz. More specifically, I made a Which TV Mom Are You? quiz because, again, it’s Mother’s Day and it’s time to have a little f-u-n FUN! Plus, when I asked a few friends, “Hey should I do this? I think it sounds fun!” they all said, "YES,” which confirmed to me that most everyone (or at least most millennials) have a soft spot for the quizzes we used to take in Cosmo with titles like, How in Love Are You? (Ah, the allure of pseudo-self discovery for a teenager. What a time.) To prove to you how seriously I took this very unserious exercise, I even recruited my friend, Lily, a mom and insanely talented screenwriter who’s much funnier than I am, to edit it.
You should also know that for a second I tried to get high-tech with it, as in, I Googled if you could make a Substack quiz and the answer is no, which means you have to get out a pen and paper or open a Note to keep track of your answers. On theme and fun! If there’s anything that I want for my fellow moms this Mother’s Day, it’s to have a good laugh (and a lymphatic massage, and the perfect ratio of family time to alone time, and those shoes you saw on SSENSE, but you get it).
So, cue the gameshow music and let’s hop to it!
Which TV Mom Are You? Mother’s Day Edition
It’s Mother’s Day morning and the drink you’d like in bed is:
A. An entire pitcher of black coffee.
B. White chocolate mocha with whipped cream and the little chocolate flakes.
C. Vodka rocks with a splash of orange juice for the fiber and vitamin C.
D. Poison.
E. Earl grey tea with a side of greens powder.
The gift you’d like most is:
C. Bottega bag
D. Antique snake ring (FYI we got my engagement ring from here)
If you could be ANYWHERE on Mother’s Day you would be:
A. Screaming “Texas Hold ‘Em” at the hair salon.
B. Drinking a beer on a pool float in your rich neighbor’s pool.
C. Asking your child’s nanny to take care of you for the day.
D. Communing with your coven under the full moon.
E. Horizontal at a sound bath.
You’ve requested some alone time which entails:
A. Leafing through magazines while you paint your toes like you’re sixteen again. Crying included.
B. Driving to the nearest casino to play the slot machines. Old habits die hard.
C. A martini, a piano lounge, and a politically incorrect take.
D. A nice, quiet walk around your local cemetery with some built-in reflection time in your favorite crypt.
E. Catching up on your reading. You’re alternating between an extremely inaccurate, albeit very enjoyable historical romance novel and a book on how to fight back against social injustice.
Credit @gilmoregirlsonly 5. Your kids will probably surprise you with:
A. A cheese pizza, family size bags of Red Vines and Sour Patch, and a movie marathon.
B. A fight that you have to mediate with bribes. You would have preferred a muffin.
C. An unsolicited magic show.
D. A mummified goldfish from when it jumped out of the bowl and died at your feet. They made it into a paper weight.
E. A ‘#1 Feminist’ mug.
The one thing you dislike about Mother’s Day is:
A. The unavoidable fight you will have with your own mother and/or mother-in-law.
B. That no matter how much they love you, your partner will NEVER get the gift right.
C. The holiday doesn’t come with a mandatory, day-long happy hour.
D. You’re sadly not with your mom, so you retreat to the garden to prune rosebuds from their stems.
E. That it’s not on a weekday so you can’t take off from work.
Your partner wants to take you out for a night on the town so you:
A. I don’t have a partner and who cares! I’d rather lay on the couch watching bad TV with my kid(s).
B. Take a cooking class where you learn how to make pasta from scratch and revel in the fact that you don’t have to clean up.
C. Check if a luxury yacht ride violates their house arrest.
D. Dance a feverishly sexy tango in an underground club in a way that makes onlookers uncomfortable.
E. Go to the new sustainable sushi place you’ve been wanting to try where you accidentally eat a gob of wasabi and pay for it with horrible heartburn for the next week.
Answers:
If You Circled Mostly A’s You Are: Lorelai Gilmore
You’re highly caffeinated, fast-talking and a sucker for a Poshmark Earl Jean Jacket. Some might say you’re a big kid yourself, but that doesn’t take away from the fact that you’re incredibly driven, have been through some shit (like, perhaps, a teen pregnancy?!) and you would do anything for your kids.
If You Circled Mostly B’s You Are: Marge Simpson
You may or may not be married to a bumbling idiot and you’re the anchor of your family. You make sure your kids aren’t ever cold, that they eat their broccoli and that they don’t do backflips off the roof. Important stuff! You do EVERYTHING and at times it can feel like your family is ungrateful which might drive you to revisit, say, your gambling habit. But, despite it all, you know they wouldn’t be able to survive one day in this world without you.
If You Circled Mostly C’s You Are: Lucille Bluth
You DGAF and for that, you’re aspirational. You love a good martini and the finer things in life, like $10 bananas and vintage fur. You’ve been told more times than you can count that you’re “too critical” but, hey! In your book, honesty is not the best policy, it’s the only policy. Anyone is lucky to be analyzed by your acerbic wit. You’re a bad bitch and while it would do you well to get Better Help on the line, you show up for your family, even if it is in your own specific way.
If You Circled Mostly D’s You Are: Morticia Addams
You’re not a regular mom, you’re an undead mom. You could care less about what other people think and hallelujah for that! You prioritize your relationship and undoubtedly still have a lot of sex. Good for you. You never want to be like everyone else and if there’s one lesson you’ve taught your kids, it’s to be proud of who they are.
If You Circled Mostly E’s You Are: Rainbow Johnson
You’re the mom who wants it all. You’re successful in your career, you pack the healthy school lunches and have the important talks, and you’re vigilant about being active in your community. You’re a little hippie-dippy when the mood strikes and on a good day you’re rallying against injustice, but your favorite days are the ones you spend with your fam because home is where the heart is.
That’s it! I hope you enjoyed and if you did, maybe share this?
Happy Mother’s Day everybody!
Can this please become a recurring series? The sweet nostalgia of a quiz! This was the best. Ok, brb, going to grab another cup of coffee. xo, Lorelai Gilmore
i have never been prouder of myself. Marge Simpson is my spirit animal and all it took was this quiz to tell me that.