The Second Kid Dilemma

Will we or won't we?

I took a last minute trip this past weekend so there wasn’t a post last week! I was livin’ la vida loco and I’m sorry, but there will be two posts this week to make up for it. In a drastic change of tone, let’s talk second kids!

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I’m at the point now where everyone’s asking me whether or not I’m going to have a second kid. I never thought I would stop at one and I don’t really feel like I’m done, but recently a part of me has also thought, “Things have been so good, maybe I could be done?” We’ve finally hit our stride as a family of three. We’re having fun. My son says words like “poop” and “guana” (iguana) and thinks that the sound a cat makes is “num num.” I’ve been seriously considering jaw botox because his giant grin and the way he sometimes grabs my hand and nuzzles his face into it makes my heart swell so much that I can’t stop clenching my teeth out of primal adoration. It’s very Lennie from Of Mice and Men. 

Previously, my husband and I had loosely talked about trying for a second kid when our son is two and he’s sixteen months now. But, after being asked by my girlfriends at a group dinner, my husband’s aunt, a friend at lunch, a new mom at baby music class and the butcher at Whole Foods if a second kid is on the horizon all in the span of a few weeks, I’ve started to wonder if I should better solidify these plans. 

Like everything kid-related, it’s complicated. During those heart-swelling moments, I feel like I could have a thousand kids! I could get a bed the size of a football stadium and we could all read Richard Scarry books together and snuggle for the rest of time. But, then my son will start shrieking in a pitch only dogs should be allowed to hear because it’s 7 AM and I’m not ready to take him downstairs yet and I think better of that idea. Maybe a thousand kids is too many. Two is a good compromise. Ok, three is what I’ve always wanted, but two is what I realistically thought I would have because I’m one of two and, I don’t know, nuclear family messaging? So, yes, I could be done because my son is more than enough and we’re happy, but deep down I would like for him to have a sibling. At the very least I think it would be nice for him to have someone to talk shit about me with when he’s older and I send him to his room or whatever. The problem is, I don’t know how or when a sibling will happen.

For one, my husband is in no hurry to have a second kid. When I brought up the trying-when-our son-is-two thing he said he’s very happy with one. He’s the logical, numbers guy, though. An architect. He had reservations about having a kid in general because of climate change and the small fact that the world is falling apart (which, if I’m being honest,  is something that also weighs on me). He’s considering how expensive it will be to have a second kid, especially in LA, and the fact that our house is too small for a family of four long term. But, despite all this, I could feel there was something he wasn’t saying. So, I pressed him, and that’s when he told me that the last year was one of the hardest year’s of his life - not just because we had a kid, there were other circumstances that made it so hard. However, the stress of a newborn coupled with virtually no paternity leave was difficult. He’s just not ready to do it over again. And, look, I knew this. The first year with our son was one of the hardest years of my life, too, and if I wasn’t 36 and didn’t want to be done having kids by the time I’m 40, I would consider taking a longer break. But, I am 36 and a closer proximity in my kids’ ages is important to me, so here we are. 

I’ve spoken about my postpartum anxiety and depression (I did not previously name my depression, but I was depressed) and how that impacted my ability to enjoy my newborn. Most people say that the transition from zero to one kid is the hardest, so I have faith that going from one to two kids would be easier, if I’m even lucky enough to get pregnant again. I know things now that I didn’t know before and that you really can’t understand until you experience them firsthand, like everything’s a phase and breastfeeding is a full-time job that women should get social security and a pension from. I’m much better prepared (I think?) But, I am scared! I’m scared of the overwhelm that will likely come with having two kids. I’m scared of not sleeping again. I’m scared of starting the whole process over with the ovulation tests and the pregnancy tests and the disappointment every time there’s one line. I’m a freelance writer - of course I’m scared about finances. I’m scared of rocking the boat when the water is calm. 

Mostly, though I’m scared of not being good enough the second time around which makes me flinch because Gloria from the Barbie movie got it so right when she said it’s impossible to be a woman. IT IS IMPOSSIBLE. But, I say this because sometimes I’ll catch myself staring off and thinking about whether or not I could be different newly postpartum with a second kid. If I could not have anxiety or be depressed and revel in the newborn stage the way that I’m reveling now because I would have really, really liked to revel during that time. I’ve been in therapy pretty consistently since I was 12, so I’m well aware that there’s a lot of guilt and shame wrapped up in that statement. Clearly, I’m still grappling with feelings of failure from the early days with my son. But, I will likely always feel like I’m failing somewhere when it comes to being a mom. All I can do is cozy up to the uncomfortable and, you know, try to accept the vastness of the unknown. Oof.

Any half decent writer will tell you not to write about something you’re smack dab in the middle of and the how and the when of a second kid is definitely an ongoing conversation for me. I did not mean for this to get sad (ha, I never do), but it’s real, it’s what’s on my mind and I guess that’s the best I can offer you. 

Now, please enjoy a refresher of Gloria’s Barbie movie speech.

C