I have a 16 month old who is completely booby mad... Like every two hours around the clock. I am losing my mind but she screams so hard if I don't so I feel like a prisoner to her. I don't know what to do!! But yes I also had the post weaning blues with my first. She stopped herself at 12 months and I was so sad the journey was over but I was amazed at how I felt too! And then two and a bit months later I got pregnant again. So four years of pretty much pregnancy, breastfeeding, pregnancy, breastfeeding. I'm exhausted!
I’m so sorry you’re going through an intense moment. Four years of pregnancy and breastfeeding is a lot - I would be exhausted, too! Be kind to yourself. You’re doing it all right now!
As someone who stopped breastfeeding a month ago and feels like they’ve only stepped out of the fog of the hormone drop - I feel like this encapsulates everything I have been unable to say about breastfeeding. I loved every minute of it, but only now that my partner can also do bedtime or I can have a lie in, that I’m fully appreciating how much of my body I gave up. Thank you for writing this 🩷
I related to this so much! I nursed my son until he was two and a half, and it’s actually blowing my mind right now that I can’t remember exactly when we stopped. I know it was around a year ago (I was pregnant with my now 5-month-old) but I could not tell you what day it was or how the last session felt. It took up so much of my mental and physical energy for so long and now the monumental end is a blur 🤯. The second time around is very different, but I’m still a slave (by choice, I guess?) to the 3-hour-clock. Breastfeeding is wild.
It is wild! Totally feel you re. how quickly we forget what it's like when it's all-consuming for so long. I stopped breastfeeding in November and it already feels like a lifetime ago.
Hi Courtney, I found you via your husband's recommendation – I just interviewed him for an article I'm writing, and we bonded over both having young sons (mine is 13 months). I'm so glad he did because you seem such a kindred spirit. I am still EBF my son and it's the joy of my life (but not without its burdens), and I breastfed my daughter, who is now 5, until she was 3. I feel that BFing is the greatest secret weapon of motherhood – but is also such a fraught and contentious subject! I will likely wean my son around the 18-month mark so your essay was really helpful to read – I didn't know about the "baby blues" effect so thank you for the heads up.
I wanted to share a passage I found really affecting from Olga Ravn's "My Work" – a really powerful novel about motherhood that I finished reading last week:
"Bottle versus breast
If I bottle-feed, the child becomes distinct to me and I understand that he's alive. I'm filled with tenderness for him, I'm bored.
When I breastfeed, there is no such thing as time, and I feel nothing for the child. We're one and the same, and I don't understand that he exists independently of me.
It's the bottle that makes him human.
And with humanness comes devotion, impatience. Evening.
Bottle-feeding is like gazing at the sea, whereas in breastfeeding I become one with all water in the world. Without time, without love, without civilization. In the depths of breastfeeding, I'm lost and displaced, part of timeless nature.
As waves rush, the milk rushes through me with a patience only nature possesses.
The milk in me. In the child. A non-human language of nourishment.
If the child fall asleep at my breast at night, he lies still and sleeps deeply. But after a night bottle, he kicks off the duvet, babbles in his sleep, is like an underwater creature just hatched from its egg."
Hi Rosie! Aw that's so sweet that Dean was talking about this haha It's so nice to meet you! We definitely do seem like kindred spirits. I'm in awe that you breastfed your first until 3! Thank you for sharing some of your experience and that passage, so beautiful. Hopefully we'll cross paths IRL at some point! xx
Awwwww yes I totally agree that there is this weird “secrecy” when it comes to breastfeeding. About so many parts of it.
Luckily I came across that there is a downer when you stop breastfeeding. My baby started nursery part-time around 1 year old and it forced me to wean those feeds. I just remember leaving my baby there at the nursery and when I got to the car I saw her tiny hands hold on to the bars of the cot they put her in. And I started sobbing non stop. In my head it was like I had put her in prison. It didn’t feel right to leave my baby and my hormones shifting brought so much sadness. And I cried and I cried and I cried.
That’s what I learnt now about it. Breastfeeding is purely hormonal so it makes sense the shift will massively affect us.
In the end I kinda went the opposite way, I continued to breastfeed for an extra year. It was another glorious year, then unfortunately I got aversion. Then I made the decision to stop and that was very different. I didn’t go through that downer, it wasn’t the happy ending I wanted (that baby would choose when to end) but it felt right for me.
Thank you for sharing this hidden part. It’s so refreshing to hear it. Hopefully by the time my daughter grows up, she’ll have access to so much more info.
Ugh that story about having to leave your baby at the nursery sounds brutal! I'm so sorry you went through that. Thank you for sharing some of your experience with me. And I agree - hopefully as time goes on we'll become more and more informed.
Reading this while pumping post nursing session Bedford I go to sleep. You put into words so much about this entire experience. It’s so hard but I already miss it and I’m not close to stopping.
I know it's funny how you can be in the middle of something and despite it being hard you know you'll miss it when it's over - I feel that way about my son's growing up all the time.
I adored this piece Courtney, thank you for sharing. As the other comments have said, I found this so relatable on so many levels, and have often wondered as well why more people don't share about the things they learnt exclusively breastfeeding. The 'feed timers' of doing something by yourself, the all-consuming guilt and fear of your child being hungry, the moments of questioning 'maybe I should have introduced a bottle' to the months of considering when you will actually stop feeding. And even through it all, I too agree, that I'm not sure I'd actually do anything differently! But it's been hard in ways people don't share. And I'm grateful for your words, and curious to dig into whether breastfeeding also has played a role in my mental state (that is, when I actually stop breastfeeding... which feels confusing at present!). Looking forward to following more of your work 🙏🏻
Thank you Kiya! I think breastfeeding is one of those polarizing topics that people find hard to talk about. I ended up being one of the only moms I know IRL who breastfed for as long as I did so its been really nice to connect with others on this platform who have shared a similar experience. Stopping is definitely confusing! But I also think the longer you give yourself to sit with it and prepare for the end of that chapter, the easier it'll be to move on when you're ready.
I love the way you framed PP anxiety and depression with the physiology of breastfeeding. I think I was the same with my first, where I was my own worst enemy, but there was a hormonal pull keeping feeding going, even though I probably should have stopped earlier for my own mental health. I wish I knew about weaning too! 18 month mark was rough. Thanks for sharing, Courtney. I really resonated with your story.
I hard relate to this so much, thank you for writing down so many thoughts in my head. We’re weaning in a few weeks, around 18 months, because it’s the right time, and it’s good to know what awaits (good and bad). You’re a rockstar for feeding for so long!
What a beautifully written piece, thank you for sharing! As a mother of an almost 5 year old (bf for 34 months!) and 1 year old considering when to wean my second it was very validating to read another account of the highs and lows. I’ve been hit hard by the emotional waves of every significant decrease in nursing in the past and am daunted by the idea of weaning despite my urges to feel the freedom of days not dictated by pumping/being available.
Wow 34 months with your first! Truly amazing. Sending you love with navigating when to wean your second. The push and pull is so real but you’re so not alone in those feelings ❤️
Looking at my little tit barnacle with a bit more reverence today, thanks to this.
Thank you for reading ❤️ And thank you for the term “tit barnacle.” That got me.
I have a 16 month old who is completely booby mad... Like every two hours around the clock. I am losing my mind but she screams so hard if I don't so I feel like a prisoner to her. I don't know what to do!! But yes I also had the post weaning blues with my first. She stopped herself at 12 months and I was so sad the journey was over but I was amazed at how I felt too! And then two and a bit months later I got pregnant again. So four years of pretty much pregnancy, breastfeeding, pregnancy, breastfeeding. I'm exhausted!
I’m so sorry you’re going through an intense moment. Four years of pregnancy and breastfeeding is a lot - I would be exhausted, too! Be kind to yourself. You’re doing it all right now!
I've managed to night wean my daughter - on day four 🤞🏼 I'm feeling so much more positive after some good sleep!
So happy to hear that!
As someone who stopped breastfeeding a month ago and feels like they’ve only stepped out of the fog of the hormone drop - I feel like this encapsulates everything I have been unable to say about breastfeeding. I loved every minute of it, but only now that my partner can also do bedtime or I can have a lie in, that I’m fully appreciating how much of my body I gave up. Thank you for writing this 🩷
The best feedback I could get. Thank you for reading.
I related to this so much! I nursed my son until he was two and a half, and it’s actually blowing my mind right now that I can’t remember exactly when we stopped. I know it was around a year ago (I was pregnant with my now 5-month-old) but I could not tell you what day it was or how the last session felt. It took up so much of my mental and physical energy for so long and now the monumental end is a blur 🤯. The second time around is very different, but I’m still a slave (by choice, I guess?) to the 3-hour-clock. Breastfeeding is wild.
It is wild! Totally feel you re. how quickly we forget what it's like when it's all-consuming for so long. I stopped breastfeeding in November and it already feels like a lifetime ago.
Hi Courtney, I found you via your husband's recommendation – I just interviewed him for an article I'm writing, and we bonded over both having young sons (mine is 13 months). I'm so glad he did because you seem such a kindred spirit. I am still EBF my son and it's the joy of my life (but not without its burdens), and I breastfed my daughter, who is now 5, until she was 3. I feel that BFing is the greatest secret weapon of motherhood – but is also such a fraught and contentious subject! I will likely wean my son around the 18-month mark so your essay was really helpful to read – I didn't know about the "baby blues" effect so thank you for the heads up.
I wanted to share a passage I found really affecting from Olga Ravn's "My Work" – a really powerful novel about motherhood that I finished reading last week:
"Bottle versus breast
If I bottle-feed, the child becomes distinct to me and I understand that he's alive. I'm filled with tenderness for him, I'm bored.
When I breastfeed, there is no such thing as time, and I feel nothing for the child. We're one and the same, and I don't understand that he exists independently of me.
It's the bottle that makes him human.
And with humanness comes devotion, impatience. Evening.
Bottle-feeding is like gazing at the sea, whereas in breastfeeding I become one with all water in the world. Without time, without love, without civilization. In the depths of breastfeeding, I'm lost and displaced, part of timeless nature.
As waves rush, the milk rushes through me with a patience only nature possesses.
The milk in me. In the child. A non-human language of nourishment.
If the child fall asleep at my breast at night, he lies still and sleeps deeply. But after a night bottle, he kicks off the duvet, babbles in his sleep, is like an underwater creature just hatched from its egg."
Hi Rosie! Aw that's so sweet that Dean was talking about this haha It's so nice to meet you! We definitely do seem like kindred spirits. I'm in awe that you breastfed your first until 3! Thank you for sharing some of your experience and that passage, so beautiful. Hopefully we'll cross paths IRL at some point! xx
Awwwww yes I totally agree that there is this weird “secrecy” when it comes to breastfeeding. About so many parts of it.
Luckily I came across that there is a downer when you stop breastfeeding. My baby started nursery part-time around 1 year old and it forced me to wean those feeds. I just remember leaving my baby there at the nursery and when I got to the car I saw her tiny hands hold on to the bars of the cot they put her in. And I started sobbing non stop. In my head it was like I had put her in prison. It didn’t feel right to leave my baby and my hormones shifting brought so much sadness. And I cried and I cried and I cried.
That’s what I learnt now about it. Breastfeeding is purely hormonal so it makes sense the shift will massively affect us.
In the end I kinda went the opposite way, I continued to breastfeed for an extra year. It was another glorious year, then unfortunately I got aversion. Then I made the decision to stop and that was very different. I didn’t go through that downer, it wasn’t the happy ending I wanted (that baby would choose when to end) but it felt right for me.
Thank you for sharing this hidden part. It’s so refreshing to hear it. Hopefully by the time my daughter grows up, she’ll have access to so much more info.
Ugh that story about having to leave your baby at the nursery sounds brutal! I'm so sorry you went through that. Thank you for sharing some of your experience with me. And I agree - hopefully as time goes on we'll become more and more informed.
Wow appreciate you sharing this. I’m midst weaning my seven month old off exclusively breastfeeding and it’s a wave of emotions!
Oof totally know how that goes. Hoping the not-so-great feelings pass quickly! Thank you for reading.
Reading this while pumping post nursing session Bedford I go to sleep. You put into words so much about this entire experience. It’s so hard but I already miss it and I’m not close to stopping.
I know it's funny how you can be in the middle of something and despite it being hard you know you'll miss it when it's over - I feel that way about my son's growing up all the time.
I adored this piece Courtney, thank you for sharing. As the other comments have said, I found this so relatable on so many levels, and have often wondered as well why more people don't share about the things they learnt exclusively breastfeeding. The 'feed timers' of doing something by yourself, the all-consuming guilt and fear of your child being hungry, the moments of questioning 'maybe I should have introduced a bottle' to the months of considering when you will actually stop feeding. And even through it all, I too agree, that I'm not sure I'd actually do anything differently! But it's been hard in ways people don't share. And I'm grateful for your words, and curious to dig into whether breastfeeding also has played a role in my mental state (that is, when I actually stop breastfeeding... which feels confusing at present!). Looking forward to following more of your work 🙏🏻
Thank you Kiya! I think breastfeeding is one of those polarizing topics that people find hard to talk about. I ended up being one of the only moms I know IRL who breastfed for as long as I did so its been really nice to connect with others on this platform who have shared a similar experience. Stopping is definitely confusing! But I also think the longer you give yourself to sit with it and prepare for the end of that chapter, the easier it'll be to move on when you're ready.
I love the way you framed PP anxiety and depression with the physiology of breastfeeding. I think I was the same with my first, where I was my own worst enemy, but there was a hormonal pull keeping feeding going, even though I probably should have stopped earlier for my own mental health. I wish I knew about weaning too! 18 month mark was rough. Thanks for sharing, Courtney. I really resonated with your story.
I'm so glad it resonated. Thank you for reading!
I hard relate to this so much, thank you for writing down so many thoughts in my head. We’re weaning in a few weeks, around 18 months, because it’s the right time, and it’s good to know what awaits (good and bad). You’re a rockstar for feeding for so long!
Right back at you! Thank you so much for reading!
What a beautifully written piece, thank you for sharing! As a mother of an almost 5 year old (bf for 34 months!) and 1 year old considering when to wean my second it was very validating to read another account of the highs and lows. I’ve been hit hard by the emotional waves of every significant decrease in nursing in the past and am daunted by the idea of weaning despite my urges to feel the freedom of days not dictated by pumping/being available.
Wow 34 months with your first! Truly amazing. Sending you love with navigating when to wean your second. The push and pull is so real but you’re so not alone in those feelings ❤️